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The Toxic Power Dynamics After a Breakup

By K Thompson

Your ex broke up with you. You cried, you sobbed, and you begged. But your ex still doesn’t take you back. You decide that it’s best to just leave her alone and focus on rebuilding yourself. You stop contacting her.

But unfortunately, it’s not as straightforward as you thought. You open Facebook and you see a post of your ex looking happy and having fun with her friends. You see her Instagram story with a text in picture that says she is finally feels free. You fire up twitter only to find out she had a wild party last night.

And seeing all this makes it hundred times more painful than before.

How can she be this happy when you are still barely able to get out of the bed in the morning?

This is a very common scenario after a breakup. I call this “the toxic power dynamics after a breakup”. It doesn’t happen after every breakup. But it does happen when one party in the breakup is the type of person who likes to have power in all their relationships.

One way to not let such a person affect your emotional and mental health is to understand this toxic power dynamics.

They are using social media to get to you

This weird power dynamics usually starts happening once you stop contacting your ex. When you stop begging, pleading, asking them to get back together. Until now, you have been providing a sort of comfort for them. Even though they broke up with you, they know that you are there for them. Waiting for them to change their mind.

So, in a way, even though you have broken up, they didn’t have to go through the pain of losing you. They never had to go through the grief. They never had to entertain the feeling that they might lose you forever.

On the surface, it may seem that your ex should be okay with the breakup because it was their decision.

But grief doesn’t work this way. When you lose someone you were attached to, you go through grief. It’s as simple as that. There is no way to avoid it.

You contacting your ex was making them feel like they haven’t lost you.

But when you stop contacting them, they panic and become scared of losing you forever.

The Toxic Power Dynamics comes from an Egoistical Mind

This is where it gets little bit tricky for your ex. They never expected this grief. They never thought they will feel so terrible after breaking up. Wasn’t the breakup supposed to make them feel better?

If your ex is in touch with their emotions, is self-aware; they will soon figure out that they are going through grief and they will be fine after a while.

But if your ex is the type of person who always needs to be in control, who always needs to have the upper hand in a relationship; they will do mental gymnastics to make them feel better.

She will do things to get a reaction out of you. She might do something to make you feel like you still have a chance of getting back together or she might do something to make you feel like she is already over you.

In both cases, her subconscious mind is trying to get a reaction out of you. It’s trying to get you to contact her, so she doesn’t have to go through the pain of losing you forever.

What should you do?

Ideally, you should just continue grieving and healing from the breakup. You should only contact them after you have done no contact and are sure there is still something there.

If you don’t play into this toxic power struggle, your ex will soon stop playing the mind games. They will eventually accept the grief and start healing themselves.

 


If You Don’t Trust Your Spouse, Are You Destined for Divorce?

By Brian Bayati

Trust is essential in a successful marriage. Some people consider it the foundation of a healthy relationship. In some cases, a partner’s trust has been violated, and the marriage is in danger. People suffer from trust issues for many reasons. Whether there has been infidelity or not, couples must restore the trust in their relationship before they can work on rebuilding the marriage. Is divorce inevitable without trust? The answer is sometimes. Before you can understand trust issues, you must first understand the complex nature of trust in a committed relationship.

Trust

Trust is both a feeling and choice. To trust someone, we believe in them, rely on them, and we place confidence in them. Trust can feel safe and secure, as well as allow you to decide whether a person is honest or reliable. The strongest friendships and the most stable marriages are built on this kind of trust. While it may take years to build a relationship, it can rapidly fade if there are any issues causing friction in the marriage. Once it is gone, trust is difficult to restore, but not impossible.

Infidelity

When someone cheats or has an affair during a marriage, confidence is broken. Infidelity is a violation of the boundaries of their marriage vows and one of the main reasons couples file for divorce. By law, adultery is considered offensive and immoral. However, divorce is not the only option for couples experiencing adultery. Counseling and professional help can be useful once the guilty spouse decides to apologize and remain faithful. At that point, the couple can begin to rebuild the trust in their marriage.

If infidelity has destroyed your marriage, then divorce might be inevitable. You will need to consult with an experienced family law attorney who can explain your rights and file a divorce on your behalf. People used to believe the innocent spouse was somehow at fault. However, this is not true, and often the guilty spouse feels compelled to cheat due to a lack of intimacy. If spouses are not diligent about strengthening their relationship, they will gradually grow apart.

Other Trust Issues

A wife or husband may want to obtain a divorce regardless of whether infidelity affected their relationship. Many trust issues can indicate the marriage is falling apart. No one wants to be treated like a child or accused of cheating if they are faithful. Couples must practice effective communication to avoid the following trust issues. Here are some other examples:

Finances

  • Each spouse in the marriage should have the authority to handle their finances, as well as discuss any mutual finances in the household. Unless your spouse has mishandled money or has been spending money that does not belong to them, you have no right to demand an accounting for every dollar spent. It is more efficient to plan a budget as a couple and spend accordingly. During a divorce, the court will review your financial records and determine support based on any earnings or property acquired during the marriage.

Cell Phone & Computer

  • Technology and the Internet have revolutionized how people communicate and share information. Everyone has a right to their privacy, but if your spouse seems secretive and their cell phone and computer are inaccessible, you may want to discuss possible trust issues. This behavior may be considered suspicious. If you cannot trust your partner on their phone or computer, this can become a bigger problem unless you decide to talk about it. Protect yourself from suspicious activity on cell phones and computers by being aware any incriminating evidence or behavior that seems distrustful.

Are You Destined for Divorce?

Many people need help getting over the pain of an affair, the aggravation of an overbearing spouse, or a partner who behaves as if they are still single. It takes honesty and commitment from both parties to overcome trust issues. It also usually requires the help of a therapist, spiritual leader, or marriage counselor. Regaining trust takes time, and you cannot force the relationship to improve immediately.

If neither spouse is interested in saving the marriage, divorce may be your only option. You would be wise to seek the advice of a family lawyer, especially if children are involved. Children are witnesses to the mistrust and hostility at home. You must continue to co-parent with respect and figure out what the best interest of the children is with the help a good attorney by your side.

Divorce may or may not be the answer. Only you and your spouse know the truth. Do not delay, speak to a divorce attorney and then decide. You cannot change the past, but you do have the power to get the help you need to either rebuild your marriage or obtain a divorce.

Brian Bayati is an attorney who practices family law Orange County.

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How To Overcome Retroactive Jealousy OCD

By Jeff Billings

Retroactive jealousy OCD is a condition in which someone has an unhealthy obsession with his or her partner’s romantic or sexual past.

Often it can spiral out of control to the point where the sufferer is unable to stop thinking about their boy or girlfriend’s past and ends up resorting to destructive behaviors in order to try and make themselves feel better.

These often include constantly quizzing their partner about their ex-lovers, invading their personal privacy and spending hours online trying to work out how to overcome retroactive jealousy.

If you suffer from retroactive jealousy OCD you probably know just how stressful all this is, and how damaging it can be to your relationship.

Indeed, many end in failure when either party walks away from the relationship, unable to handle the stress anymore.

If you’ve been struggling to get over retroactive jealousy, however, this needn’t happen to you. In fact, retroactive jealousy is not as powerful as it may appear to you right now.

Getting Over Retroactive Jealousy OCD

In order to beat retroactive jealousy, the first thing you need to do is understand that this is your problem, not your partner’s. As with all areas in life, it’s how we emotionally react to events that are most often the problem, not the actual event itself.

This is especially true when it comes to retroactive jealousy OCD. The fact that your husband once loved another woman, or that your girlfriend once enjoyed casual sex is not the problem. Your emotional reaction to these events in the past is what’s causing you undue stress.

A negative emotional reaction like this is often due to how we perceive ourselves as much as how we perceive others.

In the case of retroactive jealousy, a sufferer often lacks a certain amount of self-confidence and/or has a low opinion of themselves. This in turn means they get anxious about the past because they’re comparing themselves to a partner’s former lovers and not quite matching up.

Have a think about just how confident you really are in yourself? Are there any qualities you feel are lacking within yourself that you worry your partner may find in someone else? If so, isolate what areas you’re feeling less than confident and then get to work rectifying them.

Take a moment now to close your eyes and think about the person in your partner’s past you’re most jealous of. Now imagine you’re a super confident individual who’s not afraid of anything and can take on the world. Does this person from the past still seem as significant?

Overall, to suffer from retroactive jealousy OCD is to be anxious about who your partner may leave you for in the present, not who they once dated or had sex with in the past. And working on your self-confidence is the best way of combatting feelings that your partner may want to secretly leave you for someone else, which in turn will stop the jealous thoughts and emotions about the past.

About the Author:

Jeff Billings is a former sufferer of retroactive jealousy and now spends his time helping others with his course, “Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy 101” and book, “How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner’s Past In 12 Steps.” To find out more about overcoming retroactive jealousy, drop by his website Retroactive Jealousy Crusher.


What Are The Real Reasons Men Lie?

By Nick Bastion

Dishonest businessman telling lies lying businessperson holding fingers crossed behind his back
And if you have been, I feel for you. It sucks being lied to.

That’s why in this article I’m going to go over the main reasons that someone might lie – plus one way you can actually avoid feeling like someone has lied to you.

The first thing to realize is…

Most People Don’t Intend To Lie To Hurt You

Unless he’s a sociopath or a sadist, he’s not trying to hurt you.

Instead, what he’s probably trying to is “avoid drama” or “smooth things over” with you.

Sometimes, the reason that a man lies is because he doesn’t want to deal with disruption or drama in his dating life. He wants to keep things as even keeled as possible.

(For more on why men lie in relationships, read my article here).

There are a few very common reasons why a man might lie in a relationship.

First, like I said before, he might lie to you in order to avoid an unpleasant conversation or drama.

In general, women are more in touch with their feelings than men are. Women tend to feel emotions more deeply, while men tend to want to avoid emotional extremes and keep themselves emotionally centered.

If he’s not sure how you’re going to react to the truth, he might avoid telling you in order to avoid a reaction he wouldn’t like, and in order to keep you happy.

The truth is, a man might lie to avoid triggering tears in his partner. I’m not saying it’s right or even decent, I’m saying that’s the way that a lot of men think.

The second most likely reason a guy might lie is to avoid drama in the relationship. If this is the case, then the relationship is probably on the rocks and headed for troubled waters ahead.

If a guy is lying just to make a relationship feel easier and drama free, he’s mortgaging the future of the relationship for the sake of the present. Eventually, the fights he’s avoiding will happen, and the relationship might not survive.

The third most likely reason a guy will lie to you is the “nicest” – he might be trying to impress you.

Guys might lie about what they do for work, or for fun, or about their true opinions because they want you to think well of them.

If a guy is lying to you about his job or how much money he makes, it’s because he wants to impress you and doesn’t feel good enough for you on his own.

This type of lying is a huge sign of insecurity, and it makes building the relationship on a firm bedrock of trust impossible.

Now, earlier in the article, I said I was going to talk about a way to avoid feeling like someone has lied to you…

How To Avoid Feeling Like You’ve Been Lied To…

As a relationship coach, I’ve had countless women come to me in tears feeling duped, deceived, and lied to by men they trusted and loved.

Most had legitimate complaints of untrustworthy behavior by their significant others, but you might be surprised to learn that many were not lied to… they just felt like they were lied to.

Many of these women went through all the trauma, heartbreak, and dejection of feeling like their man had lied to them and broken their trust – without ever having been lied to in the first place.

In those cases, these women had not been lied to… they had just heard what they selectively wanted to hear from their men and ignored anything else he said or did.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say a man and a woman are going out on dates and spending the night with each other often. He has told her he’s not looking for a relationship, and they continue to be involved with each other… only she believes they’re dating more and more seriously because they’re spending more and more time with each other.

Eventually, things reach a breaking point where she asks him why he’s not taking the relationship seriously, and he denies that they were ever in a relationship in the first place.

End result? She feels betrayed and lied to… when in reality he never lied to her.

The crucial point here is that she was only paying attention to the things she wanted to pay attention to, and selectively listening to only the things she wanted to hear.

He outright told her that he didn’t want a relationship, but because it wasn’t something she wanted to hear she ignored him. Then, she wound up hurt and feeling betrayed when they didn’t end up together.

Remember to always listen to everything a guy says, not just selective parts. This will help you avoid tons of heartbreak and feelings of being lied to.

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Top Signs Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You With Your Best Friend

By Nick Bastion

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Your boyfriend cheating on you is a horrible thought. But your boyfriend cheating on you with your best friend? That’s the ultimate betrayal, on so many unimaginable levels that you cannot even begin to explain. I am going to take you through some of the major signs that indicate that he could be cheating on you with your best friend.

The Top 6 Signs He Might Be Cheating With Your Best Friend

He Has Called Her Pretty Before

Has he ever said anything about whether she is pretty or not? If he’s called her attractive in any way, this is obviously an indication that he could at least have some physical attraction to her.

Is She Single?

This alone is not enough to signal that he’s cheating on you with your best friend… but consider whether she is single or not. If she’s single, it obviously means there’s an opportunity to cheat. Even if she isn’t single, though, it’s still possible that some kind of cheating is going on. If she’s in a relationship, think about whether she’s happy in it or whether she complains a lot.

She Has Told You Something Complimentary About Him

Has she ever said something to you implying or overtly saying that your boyfriend is attractive? Maybe something like “omg you’re so lucky.” This is an indication that leans toward him cheating being a possibility. Again, this alone means nothing, but if you look at the other signs (specifically, his own behavior) you can start to put the pieces together and make a judgment call on whether it seems likely that he’s cheating.

He Asks About Her A Lot

Does your boyfriend ask about your best friend a lot? Like… Way too much? This is obviously a sign that his interest goes above simple curiosity. Think about whether he ever brings her up without you even saying anything. This is a sign that he could be cheating. I’ve actually written a lot about this, you can find more drop dead giveaway signs he’s cheating here right now on Vixen Daily.

He Acts Weird When Around You Two

Does he just act odd when he’s around both of you? Do you get a weird vibe when you’re hanging out that you didn’t before? This is a sign that he could be cheating.

Your Best Friend is the “Type” of Person Who Would Cheat

You obviously know your best friend (or at least, think you do). Does she seem like the type of person who would cheat or does it literally seem impossible?

The Top 7 Signs He Might Be Cheating With Anyone

He Hides His Phone From You

Is he being unusually secretive about his phone lately? Maybe he used to leave his phone lying around, but now, all of a sudden… he’s extremely private and weird about his phone. Maybe did not have a passcode before and now he does. Maybe his passcode was set to turn on after 15 minutes but now it’s set to immediately. Maybe he gets super nervous if you’re using his phone for any innocent reason.

He Seems Nervous Around You

Does he seem nervous and uncomfortable around you and act weird? Or does he almost go out of his way to be abnormally nice? This is a sign that he could be cheating.

He is Acting Different Than Usual For No Apparent Reason

Is he all of a sudden acting a lot different than he usually does? Is his behavior “off” in some way? This is a sign that he could be cheating.

He Doesn’t Have Sex With You Anymore

This is obviously a big indicator that might mean he’s cheating on you, check out this article for more signs. Unless there is something else going on in his life that’s causing him to lose interest in sex, then this is a big sign that he might be cheating. There are obviously other reasons that indicate that he might not be having sex with you anymore, but this is definitely a sign to consider.

He Makes More of an Effort to “Groom”

It’s normal for a guy to groom and do things like wear cologne, get a haircut and other good stuff like that. Different men will have different grooming habits. So think about his typical grooming habits and compare that to the way he is now. Is he all of a sudden putting a lot more of an effort into his appearance and grooming habits? If so, it could be a sign that he’s trying to impress someone else.

Your Gut Is Telling You He Is

This is an important one. Listen to your gut instinct. Do you just have a gut feeling that he is cheating (try this article for more on knowing for sure) but you don’t know why? Sometimes your gut is what you need to listen to. Really think about what your gut is telling you.

He’s Secretive About Money

Is he all of a sudden spending a lot of money? He might be spending it on dates or drinks or whatever else he could be doing with another woman. So if he’s all of a sudden secretive about his finances and making an effort to hide things from you, it’s a sign he is cheating.

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