Infidelity

If You Don’t Trust Your Spouse, Are You Destined for Divorce?

By Brian Bayati

Trust is essential in a successful marriage. Some people consider it the foundation of a healthy relationship. In some cases, a partner’s trust has been violated, and the marriage is in danger. People suffer from trust issues for many reasons. Whether there has been infidelity or not, couples must restore the trust in their relationship before they can work on rebuilding the marriage. Is divorce inevitable without trust? The answer is sometimes. Before you can understand trust issues, you must first understand the complex nature of trust in a committed relationship.

Trust

Trust is both a feeling and choice. To trust someone, we believe in them, rely on them, and we place confidence in them. Trust can feel safe and secure, as well as allow you to decide whether a person is honest or reliable. The strongest friendships and the most stable marriages are built on this kind of trust. While it may take years to build a relationship, it can rapidly fade if there are any issues causing friction in the marriage. Once it is gone, trust is difficult to restore, but not impossible.

Infidelity

When someone cheats or has an affair during a marriage, confidence is broken. Infidelity is a violation of the boundaries of their marriage vows and one of the main reasons couples file for divorce. By law, adultery is considered offensive and immoral. However, divorce is not the only option for couples experiencing adultery. Counseling and professional help can be useful once the guilty spouse decides to apologize and remain faithful. At that point, the couple can begin to rebuild the trust in their marriage.

If infidelity has destroyed your marriage, then divorce might be inevitable. You will need to consult with an experienced family law attorney who can explain your rights and file a divorce on your behalf. People used to believe the innocent spouse was somehow at fault. However, this is not true, and often the guilty spouse feels compelled to cheat due to a lack of intimacy. If spouses are not diligent about strengthening their relationship, they will gradually grow apart.

Other Trust Issues

A wife or husband may want to obtain a divorce regardless of whether infidelity affected their relationship. Many trust issues can indicate the marriage is falling apart. No one wants to be treated like a child or accused of cheating if they are faithful. Couples must practice effective communication to avoid the following trust issues. Here are some other examples:

Finances

  • Each spouse in the marriage should have the authority to handle their finances, as well as discuss any mutual finances in the household. Unless your spouse has mishandled money or has been spending money that does not belong to them, you have no right to demand an accounting for every dollar spent. It is more efficient to plan a budget as a couple and spend accordingly. During a divorce, the court will review your financial records and determine support based on any earnings or property acquired during the marriage.

Cell Phone & Computer

  • Technology and the Internet have revolutionized how people communicate and share information. Everyone has a right to their privacy, but if your spouse seems secretive and their cell phone and computer are inaccessible, you may want to discuss possible trust issues. This behavior may be considered suspicious. If you cannot trust your partner on their phone or computer, this can become a bigger problem unless you decide to talk about it. Protect yourself from suspicious activity on cell phones and computers by being aware any incriminating evidence or behavior that seems distrustful.

Are You Destined for Divorce?

Many people need help getting over the pain of an affair, the aggravation of an overbearing spouse, or a partner who behaves as if they are still single. It takes honesty and commitment from both parties to overcome trust issues. It also usually requires the help of a therapist, spiritual leader, or marriage counselor. Regaining trust takes time, and you cannot force the relationship to improve immediately.

If neither spouse is interested in saving the marriage, divorce may be your only option. You would be wise to seek the advice of a family lawyer, especially if children are involved. Children are witnesses to the mistrust and hostility at home. You must continue to co-parent with respect and figure out what the best interest of the children is with the help a good attorney by your side.

Divorce may or may not be the answer. Only you and your spouse know the truth. Do not delay, speak to a divorce attorney and then decide. You cannot change the past, but you do have the power to get the help you need to either rebuild your marriage or obtain a divorce.

Brian Bayati is an attorney who practices family law Orange County.

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Top Signs Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You With Your Best Friend

By Nick Bastion

vil114

Your boyfriend cheating on you is a horrible thought. But your boyfriend cheating on you with your best friend? That’s the ultimate betrayal, on so many unimaginable levels that you cannot even begin to explain. I am going to take you through some of the major signs that indicate that he could be cheating on you with your best friend.

The Top 6 Signs He Might Be Cheating With Your Best Friend

He Has Called Her Pretty Before

Has he ever said anything about whether she is pretty or not? If he’s called her attractive in any way, this is obviously an indication that he could at least have some physical attraction to her.

Is She Single?

This alone is not enough to signal that he’s cheating on you with your best friend… but consider whether she is single or not. If she’s single, it obviously means there’s an opportunity to cheat. Even if she isn’t single, though, it’s still possible that some kind of cheating is going on. If she’s in a relationship, think about whether she’s happy in it or whether she complains a lot.

She Has Told You Something Complimentary About Him

Has she ever said something to you implying or overtly saying that your boyfriend is attractive? Maybe something like “omg you’re so lucky.” This is an indication that leans toward him cheating being a possibility. Again, this alone means nothing, but if you look at the other signs (specifically, his own behavior) you can start to put the pieces together and make a judgment call on whether it seems likely that he’s cheating.

He Asks About Her A Lot

Does your boyfriend ask about your best friend a lot? Like… Way too much? This is obviously a sign that his interest goes above simple curiosity. Think about whether he ever brings her up without you even saying anything. This is a sign that he could be cheating. I’ve actually written a lot about this, you can find more drop dead giveaway signs he’s cheating here right now on Vixen Daily.

He Acts Weird When Around You Two

Does he just act odd when he’s around both of you? Do you get a weird vibe when you’re hanging out that you didn’t before? This is a sign that he could be cheating.

Your Best Friend is the “Type” of Person Who Would Cheat

You obviously know your best friend (or at least, think you do). Does she seem like the type of person who would cheat or does it literally seem impossible?

The Top 7 Signs He Might Be Cheating With Anyone

He Hides His Phone From You

Is he being unusually secretive about his phone lately? Maybe he used to leave his phone lying around, but now, all of a sudden… he’s extremely private and weird about his phone. Maybe did not have a passcode before and now he does. Maybe his passcode was set to turn on after 15 minutes but now it’s set to immediately. Maybe he gets super nervous if you’re using his phone for any innocent reason.

He Seems Nervous Around You

Does he seem nervous and uncomfortable around you and act weird? Or does he almost go out of his way to be abnormally nice? This is a sign that he could be cheating.

He is Acting Different Than Usual For No Apparent Reason

Is he all of a sudden acting a lot different than he usually does? Is his behavior “off” in some way? This is a sign that he could be cheating.

He Doesn’t Have Sex With You Anymore

This is obviously a big indicator that might mean he’s cheating on you, check out this article for more signs. Unless there is something else going on in his life that’s causing him to lose interest in sex, then this is a big sign that he might be cheating. There are obviously other reasons that indicate that he might not be having sex with you anymore, but this is definitely a sign to consider.

He Makes More of an Effort to “Groom”

It’s normal for a guy to groom and do things like wear cologne, get a haircut and other good stuff like that. Different men will have different grooming habits. So think about his typical grooming habits and compare that to the way he is now. Is he all of a sudden putting a lot more of an effort into his appearance and grooming habits? If so, it could be a sign that he’s trying to impress someone else.

Your Gut Is Telling You He Is

This is an important one. Listen to your gut instinct. Do you just have a gut feeling that he is cheating (try this article for more on knowing for sure) but you don’t know why? Sometimes your gut is what you need to listen to. Really think about what your gut is telling you.

He’s Secretive About Money

Is he all of a sudden spending a lot of money? He might be spending it on dates or drinks or whatever else he could be doing with another woman. So if he’s all of a sudden secretive about his finances and making an effort to hide things from you, it’s a sign he is cheating.

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Sex After Infidelity

By Gemma Crooke

For most couples, one of the basic, fundamental aspects of being in a long-term relationship is sexual monogamy. When this vow is breached through a physical affair, recovery and reconnection can be very difficult. But with 65% of couples allegedly choosing to stay together following an affair, the statistics suggest that it can be overcome. However, the emotional aftermath can affect the relationship in many ways for a long time to come… not least in the bedroom.

Following the revelation of an affair you may think that sex is the last thing on either party’s mind. However for some couples the sudden prospect of losing one another can see them becoming instinctively drawn to one another and engaging in the type of passionate sex that their relationship may previously have been lacking. More commonly, though, a sexual rift is formed. Intense feelings of frustration, disgust, betrayal and sheer hurt may mean that the injured party can never imagine being intimate with their cheating partner ever again. Each couple is different and their response to sex following infidelity will be governed by their own moral compass, feelings and desires.

If you have been the victim of an affair and have chosen to forgive your partner, here are some things to consider in order to make your erotic recovery as successful and painless as possible.

Be kind to yourself

Although rebuilding the relationship will be a joint effort, in the early stages it is important to focus on yourself so that you are mentally, physically and emotionally strong enough to move forward together. On a practical level, it is important that both you and your partner are tested for STD’s. This will not be a pleasant experience but it is necessary. The stress of such emotional upheaval can also take its toll on your body so take care of yourself by eating well, exercising and getting plenty of rest. Emotionally this will be an extremely tough time and many couples find that psychotherapy or counseling is needed to help them work through the painful emotions of such a betrayal. As the injured party you may find your ego takes a big knock and find yourself questioning your attractiveness and worth. Reject these thoughts and work on rebuilding your own self-esteem through self-care and even taking up new hobbies and pastimes to create and showcase your own achievements.

Be honest and practice empathy

In order to start rebuilding your relationship it is important to communicate fully and frankly with one another about your pain and your expectations. In the early stages this may be done through angry exchanges, emotional outbursts or passing the blame. Eventually though, you need to work on creating empathy and understanding why the affair happened and how you have both been affected by it since. Only when you can truly begin to validate your partner’s feelings and gain at least some understanding of what it’s been like to live in their world can you truly move forward.

Don’t compare

The temptation to compare yourself to your partner’s lover is hard to avoid. Of course you will be plagued by thoughts such as ‘were they more attractive than me?’ or ‘were they better in bed?’ But this is a fruitless and destructive thought process that will only lead you into further torment. And with studies indicating that the majority of married affairs occur due to feelings of inadequacy, life challenges and depression, it is likely had nothing to do with your sex life anyway. If you want to move forward sexually it is important to concentrate on you and your partner and banish the memory of the other person from your lives. If you continue to have intrusive and reoccurring thoughts about the other person then speak with a therapist about the best techniques to effectively deal with them.

Take time

Do not feel pressured or rushed into embarking on a sexual relationship until you are ready. For some couples this may be sooner than others. They may find that sex is a way for them to physically express the emotions they are still unable to verbalize. For others, trust will need to be built and re-established before they feel the desire to be intimate with their partner again. Be clear with your partner about your feelings and listen to their expectations and hopes for the future too.

Work towards a new sexual relationship

Many people say that following an affair their relationship is never the same again. Indeed this may well apply to your sex life too. But in some ways it can be a positive thing. Moving forward with erotic recovery gives you the opportunity to be completely honest about your relationship and discuss elements that you feel could be improved upon. Together you can forge a new, more fulfilling sex life that is better for both of you. After all sex is an expression of love and if you are able to make it through the upheaval of an affair, your sex life afterwards should reflect the emotional dedication that you have for one another.

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Been Betrayed? Learning to Forgive is Critical

By Truth About Deception

It is important to forgive a partner for cheating. Forgiveness helps people feel less humiliated, less suspicious and allows individuals to put the incident into context – rather than have it define the relationship.

While forgiving a spouse is helpful, it is not easy to do. New research shows that group therapy can be very effective at helping individuals work through a betrayal. Individuals who participated in therapy after discovering infidelity developed the skills needed to actively deal with problems in their relationships and they greatly improve their outlook on life.

Source: Kazemi M.S. and Javid M.M. (2015). Effect of infidelity therapy on improving mental health of betrayed women. International Journal of Psychology and Counselling, 7(2), 24 – 28.

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No one ever said that people were logical when it comes to love and infidelity

By Truth About Deception

A new study shows that people almost certainly hold irrational beliefs about infidelity in their romantic relationships.

The research found that dating couples strongly disapprove of cheating, yet most couples do not discuss what constitutes infidelity with their partners (and it turns out many couples do not agree on what it means to cheat).

More importantly, although 30% of people had been cheated on before and 40% of people think that the “average” person cheats, fewer than 10% of people thought that their own partner would cheat on them. In other words, people who have been cheated on in the past and think that cheating is fairly widespread still don’t think it will happen to them again. Not exactly a rational point of view.

Even people who cheated on their current partners still held very low estimates that their partner would ever cheat on them.

So what are the factors that explain what appears to be an “optimistic” bias about believing that a partner will be faithful? Trust and disapproval. The more people trust their partners and disapprove of cheating, the less likely people consider the possibility that their partner might stray.

Let’s face it. People are not great at applying logic to their romantic relationships.

Source:  Watkins, S. J., & Boon, S. D.  (2015).  Expectations regarding partner fidelity in dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. doi:10.1177/0265407515574463

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